the sunset i wanna watch with you,baby

hiie. still alive.. sorrie weiling to scare you on wednesday. but iie really never notice tttat vehicle coming.. iie really dunnoe ttat vehicle is on its way.. ttats why. but iie okae lerrhhs. just sprain my ankle only. wunn diie derrhh larrhhs. duo worrie okae. a few days jiu better lerrhhs. bbut now much better lerrhhs =D.

haiixx. for about a month or more iie cantt go band..maybe iie will go but just to teach juniors only. haiixx. the nerve muscle of my left face is paralysed..ttats why these few daes iie cantt play my clarinet.. its called Left Bells Palsy..the name is so funny.bbut iie have noe mood to laugh..it takes about a month or more to recover.iie am feeling so sad. bbut theres nothing iie could do. iie really dunnoe what to do to help miie feel better. yesterday i cried and cried eventhough iie knew ttat iie cantt change the fact.. bbut iie just cantt help it. could you imagine yourself not able to go for band for a month or more?? and the concert is just next friday?? iie have been practising hard for the songs for a long long time just for this coming concert. and now??? it is all shattered.. you know how terrible iie feel inside my heart..

everyone just seems to concern about their problems only. what about miie? ppl are telling miie about their problems and not bothering about mine. in their eyes, its as if other ppl does not have any problems. and they are the only poor ones. what about miie? eventhough iie look happie, bbut am iie really happie?? am iie really what they see in miie?? the answer is noe. ttats not miie. iie am not happie at all. ttats not miie. ttats only what iie am supposed to be. not the real miie. its all fake. including the smiles iie put up in front of them. iie am feeling so terrible. even the person iie thought would care for miie doesnt seems to bother at all. my problems are invisible to them.

she leis.. she only cares about her sadness being with him..iie really dunnoe what to do..really feel like crying again bbut iie cantt. theres ppl everywhere. iie just wanted a place of my own where noe one sees miie. is it really so hard to have a place of my own? is it really impossible? iie guess ttat place would only be in my dreams. noe such place exist in the world. iie really wish to create it my own. bbut its impossible. it is really so tiring. why cant iie forget everything? this is the real miie. iie am only real here. no where else. bbut here!

you ppl are not miie. you will never understand miie. NEVER NEVER UNDERSTAND. you may think ttat its only a month or more and not forever. bbut to miie it seems like its never ending. a month is too long to endure. iie will really really miss band. iie am also afraid ttat iie would never be able to catch up with the others..it is just so terribe not being able to play my DEAR CLARINET!! no one understands miie.. i guess not even one.. =(

4:27 PM
baby, i'm yours always

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

hiie. these few days noe mood for everythingy. have alot of things in mind that could not be solved..yesterday my house was in chaos in the night.parents quarrelling just because of a stupid small matter.haixx.like iie have said, the world has never been peaceful in my life.anyway it has happen so many times.i'm used to it already.iie was moody the whole of yesterday and iie thought tat maybe when iie goes home iie would be back to normal.but in the end...iie am feeling even worse.iie really wished tat iie did not go home yesterday.really duo feeling like thinking of anything.iie am just feeling so terrible.feel like sleeping every single day and not getting up forever.when iie am asleep, iie forget every single thing but when iie am awake every thing comes to my mind.even things that iie hope not to remember comes to my mind.its going to explode sooner or later.feel like crying but the tears just couldnt come out.or maybe it has already been used up long ago.going to band makes miie even miserable..cant blow.just dunno what has happen.just now practice for so long but nothing came out.not even a single sound.iie felt so fake in band. noe sound comes out but iie have to pretend tat theres sound.just sitting there doing only fingering.really feel like crying.actually duo wanna go band.but iie did not have any reason to say. what am iie going to say if they ask why iie didnt come?how am iie going to tell them?iie myself also duo know why iie just cant blow.will they believe?they will think tat i just wanna slack.really feeling so miserable.it is so terrible not being able to blow.being a band member it is very important to be able to blow. if not iie will just be a piece of dump!if mr ong or mr quek check one by one, iie really dunno how le.really feel like walking out of the band room yesterday! iie just feel like forgetting about it but iie cant. theres band tomorrow. how can iie forget about eveything when it keeps coming to my mind?maybe i really should have a coma!then iie would not have any feelings.best of all not being able to feel terrible or miserable.that would be better for miie iie think.haixx.i guess there will be chaos again when my dad comes back tonight.he's always like tat.forever grumpy after working long hours.really hope for a peaceful life but iie guess it would never never be peaceful.really dunn understand this chaotic world.its too complicated to understand..why wont it be simpler? iie have been trying to fit myself into this complicated world but iie think iie am going to break down soon.no one can help miie. iie cant even help myself.iie have no strenght le.iie really wanna have coma right now!! forget everything. and wake up only when i lost memory or when everything has settled.if not there would be no ending to my misery.theres too much thing on my mind le. even if you ask miie what are they, iie wouldnt know what to say.it just couldnt be spelled out.iie really wanna be happy but iie cant.haix.sooner or later will end up having depression..

4:10 PM
baby, i'm yours always

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

hehe.. here i am again. got things to write le. todae morning go band.. haix. mr ong sick untill very chiam.. but still come band. soo good horxx.. then after band go out to AMK hub with weiling and my new junior weizhu.. she damm cute lorh. but very quiet leis. i and weiling talk talk talk then she very siann. cause she dunnoe what to talk.. but we good lorx. never pang sei her. then we go eat macdonal. each person pay $2 but POOR weiling pay extra 10 cent. hahas. see we save alot like tat.. we sat there for about 40 mins talking about our feeling and craps. hahas.. then we continue walking cause weiling wanted to buy GREEN shirt to match her 'yellow green' pants... i dunnoe what she talking lah actually cause i never see before. hahas. but in the end she did not find the one she like soo... she did not buy lorhxx. after tat we go on our separate ways le. weiling take bus with weizhu then left miie alone but nevermind its okae. hahas. back home liaos. ERM... nothing more le. i think.

4:49 PM
baby, i'm yours always

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

heiis. miie come to update again. hahas. walao wheres EVERYONE?? i am so siann.. alone in msn. luckily got haerim.. hahas dunn tell euu whos tat. ownself guess. its a secret. weiling, i enough lame le marh?? i will try & follow euu be a lamer one dae. hahas. dun look down lor.. haixx. my hmwk left GEOG. but do half way le. haven complete yet. will complete maybe tml after come back from band. i memorise the midnight escape halfway le. left a bit mre. Zorro haven yet. cause my brain cells isnt working. its dead. i oso have to do my geog revision. dunnoe lah. according to ms chee, she sae tat there will be a test when sch reopen. so must do revision if i dunn wanna get an EGG. hows leis. i feel so fustrated but just dunnoe why. ZEN ME BAN? ZEN ME BAN?? what can i do huh.. everyone is feeling so listless. i really have no mood to joke sometimes. so weiling, dunn ask miie to laugh cause i cant. even if i can but it would be so fake.. and it is so tiring to put on a smile when you just dunn feel like putting it up. tats why i am so moody these days. i oso dunnoe why like tat de. i just have NO MOOD. wait till i figure out why like tat then tell euu all. or maybe it has to do with the recent situation tat we faced. even though i and she OK le, but i agree with weiling, sometimes i dunnoe what to talk to her. i have nothing to say. when she speak then i reply her. if not i really dunnoe what to say. dunnoe lah. just feel tat we are not like the same as before. our distance just seems so far. ZEN ME BAN? WHAT TO DO? CAN SOMEONE TELL MIIE WHAT TO DO PLS. she say its not my fault?? but is the others fault? honestly, i dunn believe that thats what she thinks. I JUST FIND IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE WHATEVER SHE SAYS NOW! i dunnoe how to describe but tats what i am feeling now. CAN SOMEONE TELL MIIE WHY I AM FEELING LIKE TAT?? I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO BREAK DOWN ANYTIME!! I JUST FEEL SO TERRIBLE! I HAVE LOST MY DIRECTION! CAN SOMEONE TELL ME THE WAY PLS!! I REALLY NEED TO KNOW IT RIGHT NOW!.. tolong tolong lah. i really very XIN KU leis..

4:30 PM
baby, i'm yours always

Saturday, June 16, 2007

went out with my sis, bro and mum to compass point.. cause we wanna buy father day gift.. we bought perfume for him. it cost 85 dollars leis. luckily got my sis and bro to share the cost with me. haixx. i no money le. so now must save le.. a lot of ppl bdae coming so i m in need of money.. finally bought the kind of shoes that i am finding for a long long time.. even in KL also i cant find.. no time le. next time then update somemore.. hahas.

5:39 PM
baby, i'm yours always

Sunday, June 10, 2007

i hate friendshipss..

most are ok but the rest are no good.

went to KL and Genting very fun but have lots and lots of arguements between us.

people who dun know think that we are very close.

but actually we are very far apart. its just that you guys dont know. i treasure friendship.

but the ppl who i treasure does not treasure me. she's good towards me.

but you know what?? she only does that when her real friend is not with her..

i felt like a piece of rubbish. when she need it, she will pick it up from the rubbish bin. when she found the one she really need, she throw this one back there.. you know how pathetic i feel?? how would you guys feel if you were me? i treat her as my true friend. what abt her? do she do the same? she does not. not only me felt this. almost everyone who knew her felt this. they are only tolerating.. i tried tolerating but i am just too tired to continue.. i really dont wish to end this friendship but i am really too tired of being a rubbish.. i wanna be back to who i really are and not doing what i had to do to save the situation. i hope that she can realise her mistakes but i think she wont. this happens many times already. its not the first time. its just that i forgive her again and again. sometimes i really hate this world. how i wish that all friends treat each other equally and true. i think you guys knew who i am talking abt.. those who know just pretend that you didntt know. it would be better. if theres a paradise where i am all alone, i will definitly go there. so that i can vent all my anger in any way i want and nobody knows..

5:19 PM
baby, i'm yours always